Crossroads and Milestones

Believe me, I'm fighting through hard times. Hence you don't really need to question me much of why I'm being pretty quite lately.

Sometimes, and most times I always think life is screwing things for me, and it has been a waste. There have been so much obstacles, temptations, tests of some sort, and many more things you probably can't believe to happen to me. You can't imagine how much I've grown tired of such things. And in those times, I've always been thinking of giving everything up.

In all honesty, I've always felt that I've never got away from loneliness. And it is not the 'loneliness' you think I'm talking about; for all this time, I've never felt how it is to stick around with people who care for us and also we care for in anywhere, anytime. I'm always alone. It's like even if I'm gone with no trace, people won't bother looking for one. And in those times, I've always been thinking of giving everything up.

With all those things happening in my life, I am definitely caught in all kinds of desperation, in all kinds of fear, in all kinds of vacillation. All in all, I am caught in a crossroads, where I am left unable to decide which way to take. Sometimes I think that it is no use for me to be known to exist and thus it will be better for me to pull myself away from everything. Sometimes I wish things go very swiftly lest I can be set free of all those things I'm too scared to face. Lest I can face the Face I'm always curious to see and lest I can be in the eternal serenity I've always been dreaming of.

In those times, I've always been thinking of giving everything up. But in those times also, I've always been made aware that I have to believe. To believe that I still have that faith I've been standing for and with through all this time.

"Trust in the Lord and do good; so you will live in the land, and enjoy security. Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act. Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for Him."

(Psalm 37:3-5, 7a)

And then I know, this is the path I have to take. Leaving all the grace He has kindly given is not wise at all, leaving the One we can always rely on is never right. And from this on, shall I change the way I live; it is a milestone for me once more.

Milestones will not stop appearing in our life unless we want them to. Changes are never late to be made unless we won't make one. The world may turn rogue toward me, but should I be not unsteady, and must I stand on, with, and for that I've been standing for the whole of my life.